Mostly Absent for a While

Grief and bureaucracy

Grief is visceral, not reasonable: the howling at the center of grief is raw and real. It is love in its most wild form. — Megan Devine, It’s OK That You’re Not OK

Apologies for the relative absence the last few weeks. It’s going to last a bit longer.

For much of that I was preoccupied with fighting the public health system bureaucracy for something everyone involved knew was 98% likely to be done anyhow. That made it frustrating for me personally. Plus, the shear waste of my time and money (I had to hire a lawyer) as well as the government’s, elevated that at times to enraging.

As that finally got resolved, our beloved Mistófelis (yes, the Portuguesification of the character from the play Cats) fell ill, and after a week and a half in and out of the hospital, passed away this past Thursday morning. In the photo below, he’s the one I’m holding. He always wanted me to hold him, and would affectionately bite my chin and nose.

I was his favorite, and he mine. The other cat, Nikita shared that relationship with my wife. Long-time readers will know that Ysabel (the dog) and Nikita left us a little over two years and one year ago respectively. So, losing Misto has hit us hard.

I’ve turned comments off, but feel free to message me. I’d really appreciate it.

However! Please, no platitudes.

The death of a loved one is not offset by the good life they had, nor the loved they gave and received. They did not die for some metaphysical reason, not to make me or my wife stronger or to teach us the value of love or whatever. And they sure as hell are not interchangeable or replaceable with another cat or dog.

I know people say these things to try to help, but telling someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one such things does not help, usually it makes us feel worse or pisses us off or both. You are telling us we should not want what we desperately want, impossible though it is: we want the loved one back.